42. Reflections on the train

On the train from Nevers to Marseilles, another one of those cities I wish I had not booked.  However, this is the only hotel that I have booked so far that does not refund if you cancel. So off I go for 2 days.

I woke up with a sense of peace about me. It is definitely this journey but also the faith that I am coming to realize through this pilgrimage with Saint Bernadette.  I felt such a safeness last night as I slept in my little attic chamber overlooking where Bernadette has lived for over a 100 years.  There was some comfort in knowing that her love radiates still.  I could feel it in the town and the people. 

I woke up this morning to a quaint little room overlooking the backyard, a sunroom.  The owner had breakfast spread out for me and I realized that I was the only one staying at his B & B. Smell of coffee brewing.  He had to get up and fix all this for me, so naturally I had to eat everything and then some.  I stuffed my purse with food for the 8 hrs of train rides ahead.  When you have a breakfast, it is good to take advantage of the buffet and use the food for your lunch as well!

The trains in France are really very nice and comfortable.  I have an entire couch and table to reside and write.  The country side reminds me of the Midwest, just like home.  Lots of farmland, grazing animals and barns and equipment are everywhere.  The houses are a bit different, more on the chalet, slanted roof design.  

The sun is shining, the sky is blue and I am at peace. I realize just like the Buddhist, the Zen, the Hindus have said, “Be of this world, not in it!”  Or be one with nature or as I remember a saying of the 6-‘s “Be here now.”  I don’t believe I have rarely practiced that, be here now!  It is the moment that we have. Living each day as your last should be something that we always should think about daily. Would we make some of the choices that we do?

I know that I wouldn’t have.  I get sad thinking of all the lost relationships, homes, furniture, and jewelry, dogs that I have lost and then something comes over me quickly that reminds me that we can’t take it with us.  That all this stuff is temporary and we cannot take it with us, so just enjoy it while you have it or them.  I heard Bernadette say, “God is the only love that you need.” It made me feel ok with the fact that I am by myself and that I have been for quite awhile.  There is something special about being alone. We go deeper inside and feel more things from people or nature that we would otherwise disregard because we have love of another person or thing.  That makes sense, that we are always search or running from one relationship to another because we are searching for that ideal love that only God can give.  I thought of Bernadette and how she never had a man, but dedicated her entire life to God and died a virgin as well. She was happy, even in chronic health. Why can’t we be happy in the similar situation?  

Yes, instead of having a pity party, I should be rejoicing that God has chosen me to be alone so that I can have the time to realize peace, patience and acceptance of who I am, what I’ve done and where I am going.  I haven stress today, none!  In the past month, I have worried, where will I go, where am I going to stay, do I walk, or get a cab, will the train be crowded; will people be rude; will I find a place to eat; can I speak the language; will I this or that….excel etc.

At the need of each day, I hear a voice say, “Well I got you thru another one, didn’t I?”  Why were you spending so much time worrying?  It doesn’t do any good. Everything always turns out perfectly the way it is supposed to.

Geez, we are such ‘doubting Thomas’s’

Ok, so now I can really ‘Let go and let God.” I thought I knew what that meant, but now I am experiencing it. So I must say thank you for loving me enough to let me experience this time of just experiencing life.”

My aunt told me that I am truly being blessed and that God has a plan for me. That I am a survivor and that I should be an example to others.”  Well I don’t know about that, but if I could, I would. but I don’t believe that another person can shortcut another’s trial and tribulations that they have to go through.  All you can do is love your friends.  If they ask you for advice, ok, you can give it, but half the time they won’t take it anyway because your path is not their path. 

 

I have no idea what’s in store for me, but somehow I am not worrying like I was. I’ll get there, no matter where I am supposed to be.  I will have money; no matter if I have a job, when I have a job or where I will live…I’ll get there.  And, I was joking about being homeless, but I really felt like it.  I don’t know, because everywhere is home when you open up your soul and just let the sun pour in.  Wow, I just realized I wanted to feel like I did when I was a free young hippy and I kind of do, but without the self-destructive, exploratory nature. 

I am happy today.  I do miss my family, and children, grandchildren, but sooner enough I will be with them.  Seeing so much death, loss , graveyards, ancient ruins, and all this stuff I’ve been seeing, shows me that yes times goes on, and all that we do, our lives are so temporary, but it is in our actions, whether it is art, loving another or even destruction such as war, that we are truly remembered. Whether great or not.

Been listening to my I-pod music that co-workers gave me for a retirement present.  I know Michael had to do with these downloads: Razor boy, Steely Dan:   “ I hear you are singing a song of the past. It may be the past for years! Will you still have a song a sing when the Razor boy comes and takes your fancy things away. You know that the turning is so close at hand.”

Daydream  Believing:  The Monkees; Wind of Change-Scorpions;

Stephen Stills; Traffic; Botecceilli; Sly and the Family Stone-Stand; Sergio Mendes-Monday, Monday;

Respect Yourself; I Will Survive; I Learned the Hard Way by Sharon Jones;  Rainy Day by Shuggie Otis;

Michael, you really put some time and effort into downloading some of the most appro songs and I really thank you for the TLC you gave to this.  Music, that is the key to many moods, feelings and happiness.

The world is passing me by on the train as we go thru the French country, chimney smoke rising, sheep & cows in the meadows – a perfect scene.

Hey, I would hire you to mix the sounds for a movie any day.

I am truly blessed – with a wonderful family; fantastic friends; people I have met and have yet to meet;  adventures and always God there to make things possible. I have always been protected. I know I am doing something that most people dream of and I don’t want to discredit the experience.  It is hard, very hard, and painful and lonely at times. My back and feet are sore at night, sometimes  I’m hungry and I don’t have the luxury of going to the fridge, but I am also seen the world on a shoestring and experiencing a sense of freedom to choose where and what I want to do each day.  I thank God for another day.